I think I’m finally starting to understand what finding my purpose means. So I thought I’d write about it to share with you, and also clear my own mind in the process.
To be honest, I never understood why they always say “have a purpose” in life.
What is that exactly? Is it to rise to the top of my profession, to make a lot of money, to be the best at something?
It’s confusing when people try to define a purpose and then try to uncover the values they need to achieve their purpose. It sounds a little backward and made up.
Making such a goal or aspiration my purpose has wasted a lot of my time because goals or aspirations are often defined by keeping up with or exceeding someone else – e.g. being famous, earning more money, getting recognized as an expert, etc. They change often and they haven’t given me true happiness.
I also came across stories of people who looked back at their life and regretted having focused on these things. The regrets were always about not having done more with family, and friends, not having stood up for a cause, not pursuing their passions, and so on. As you can imagine, these things had little to do with money or career.
But surely how could I have a purpose which is just about “being a good friend”? Not everyone can join a non-profit helping the poor or the homeless. We have responsibilities and pressure to make money and do well in our careers, right?
And so I have stumbled along trying to figure out just what the hell does “finding my purpose” mean. How do I find a purpose that doesn’t change when I change my job or pick up a new hobby?
And then it started to hit me a few months ago. “Finding my purpose” is very much about living my core values.
Here, I hope to help you figure out one way to find your “purpose”.
Because you do have it, whether or not you know it yet.
Here’s my entire wisdom so far on this topic summed up in a single sentence:
Your personal purpose in life is to indulge in actions that keep you true to your core values as a person.
It’s still early times so don’t start tweeting this because I’m probably going to change this.
The next obvious questions are:
- What are my core values?
- What happens if I don’t get to stay true to them?
- How do I get the courage to live my values?
Your core values reflect the dominant traits in your nature. And they can be different for everyone, and also vary in priorities for everyone.
For example, one of my natural tendencies is to be empathetic (empathy) – to put myself in another’s shoes and live like them for a few moments. I have found that I always look at any situation this way. It’s just who I am. And my life would be fulfilled when I am able to act like this freely without many hindrances.
Now, the ability to live your values is also when you can stay true to your values. You need the courage to make the right life choices so you can stay true to your values. You should also be able to give up some things and make sacrifices. Once you are on your way, those sacrifices become easier because you can think of them as decisions, not sacrifices. You are deciding to live a certain way to be happier and to be more content.
However, we often give up on our convictions because someone else does not have the empathy to see what we see. And sometimes – like me – we don’t have the courage to choose the paths that allow us to live our values fully. We often have to make a compromise (e.g. to save our job, earn more money, be accepted, feel secure, maintain peace with friends, etc.). Those are decisions too. So make peace with them now, and do so consciously.
Let me try to outline the meaning of personal purpose and values with some concrete examples:
Value #1
I wanted to be in public service when I graduated. I wanted to do good, help people, stop the bad guys, and make a difference in people’s lives. It gives me genuine happiness and I’m sure it’s true for most people. This is a core value for me. When I graduated from college, I was at a crossroads, and I decided to follow a much better-defined route – out of inertia, perhaps some fear, and definitely due to temptation.
I convinced myself I could do much more when I’m outside the system. That’s my solace, and I try to find ways to live up to this value.
So now I give my time and money to try to make a difference. I obsess about helping the environment and about giving to the less fortunate. I don’t have a motive like going to heaven or being known as a charitable person. I do it because it just makes me happy.
Another side of this value “to serve” is family. It’s the same equation here as well. Am I doing enough to serve? I don’t know but I am aware that my core value is at a crossroads with many decisions I make, e.g. the time I spend with my family while traveling for work, living in the US while my parents are in India, and so on. I can only hope I can find enough to balance the scales somewhat.
The questions I am constantly trying to ask are – who needs me to serve, am I doing enough, and how will I strike a balance? Simple steps like doing little things to try to be a better dad, son, husband, brother, or friend help a lot. And so does giving to charity, compulsive recycling, and volunteering my time to make someone’s life better.
Value #2
I am a tinkerer and an idea chaser. Is that a value? I don’t know for sure, but looking at a situation and finding ways to make it better is ingrained in me. I dream, I wonder, I create, and I lose sleep thinking of new ways to make something happen better. To change the status quo. It excites me. It keeps me going.
That’s just the way I’m wired. I feel that this purpose of my life has been pretty fulfilling so far – both professionally and personally.
I’ve created and grown things because I wanted to do them, not because I had to, in both my personal and professional life (like this blog). I changed jobs because of this inner value, and I have started startups (none successful so far) because of this value. This value to tinker and make things better drives me.
I didn’t make it to Forbes X under Y, but I am content because I am living my values. And when I can’t do that anymore – being a tinkerer and a creator in a way that satisfies me – I have the courage to move on. I must admit I’ve been lucky. I have my friends and family to thank for that.
Value #3:
Empathy is a core value and also a source of many trials and tribulations for me. Having empathy makes me stronger, but it also makes me vulnerable. Because I can’t easily pick a tribe or a side.
Nothing is absolute or colored in black and white whether it be family, friends, society, politics, or religion. I am vulnerable and strong at the same time because of empathy.
Empathy doesn’t have a side. I see shades many don’t, and I empathize with those people too.
I know I’m always happier and more fulfilled when I’m able to act on what my empathy tells me. So I like environments that respect the gray or allow for differences to co-exist in harmony. Otherwise, I feel suffocated.
Live your values to be purposeful
Finding the courage to live your values is never easy.
But true happiness comes when you knowingly live your values, consciously choose your compromises, and so have the courage to stand by them. That’s your true purpose. Rest (like money) are just milestones or enablers to help you live your values. Also, I think glory, success and money follow in the right amounts for you when you live your values.
Standing up for what is right comes naturally to me (to serve from value #1 and empathy from Value# 3). But I haven’t had the courage to always speak up on both sides of an issue. Especially in social settings these days, sometimes we are more worried about being “perceived” to be on the right side. But we should trust our instincts and values. Because we are actually on the wrong side if we let vengeance and hate prevail (e.g. over love, or justice). I’m guilty of that too.
Conclusion
I hope this was helpful. Don’t confuse your personal purpose with your hobbies or your job. Just reflect on what your values are and choose how you live accordingly. You must live your values because then even if you haven’t done everything you won’t look at your life with regrets. We can’t always drop everything given the pressures of life but we can contribute in ways that strike a balance that feels right for us. And of course, always be open to change. And if you can’t, then so be it.
Here’s a nice article that has some tips to find your purpose or values. And here’s another that also has this great question you can ask yourself:
“If you didn’t have to please or worry about anyone else, what would you do? If money was no concern, how would you spend your time? Where would you be? With whom?”
Take a look at this helpful list of 230 core values, and a nice tool to find what’s important to you created by Carnegie Mellon University
Important Note: By the time you figure this out, chances are that you’ll probably be down a path that will be difficult to fully reverse. That’s ok. Just relax, and find ways to align your values as best as you can. Most of the time it’s just a matter of finding the courage to live your values in what you are already doing.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I hope my ramblings helped somewhat. Good luck!